Funniest Facebook Status Messages

...chose to read a book instead of logging on to Facebook last night. Man! I'm finally getting a life!

What's on your mind? Every time I read that when I log on to Facebook, I'm so tempted to say something stupid, something sarcastic, or something simply hilarious! Even if I happen to think of something through the day and think I'll put it up as my status later on Facebook, I go blank when I actually log on.

As stupid as I may want to sound, I also know that I want all those 'likes' and 'comments' to keep coming in. What is the point of being funny if your audience doesn't get it? Though it doesn't mean the whole world, just having someone applaud your sense of humor, or even acknowledge it, feels good.

The idea is to update your status every once in a while with something that people will remember you by, and not every hour, or day, so that people don't think you're a crazy Facebook addict, but they don't forget you either. How do you do that? With some rib-tickling, and some of the funniest status updates you can come up with.

Now, it is difficult to come up with some of your own funny and creative status updates, but that does not mean you can't borrow a few ideas from here and there. The very fact that you get them is also indicative of your awesome sense of humor. So, without further ado, here's a look into some that you can use for your status and make everyone laugh!

Disclaimer: These Facebook statuses have been compiled from a variety of sources, all of which cannot be mentioned here. However, a special acknowledgment must be made to all the creators of such witty and unarguably funny statuses.

Now, you don't want everyone to think you are cheesy and silly, so you have to come up with a clever status every so often, to keep your followers hooked. Whether it is a quote from a famous personality, or simply one that reflects your current state of mind, take a pick from the compilation listed below.

• Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

• When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it's for them?
• You know you've been on Facebook for too long when you start repeating your status updates.
• I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.
• Some cocaine addicts get a very glossy skin. It's the Charlie Sheen.

• ...is unfortunately at work. Will everybody please refrain from having such a good time during this difficult period. Thanks for your co-operation.
• Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock's broken and I'm wide awake. Not sure who won.

• ...decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
• Alcohol does NOT make you fat... it makes you lean... against tables, chairs, walls, floors, and ....Ugly people!!!

• ...knows it's cold when he sees the squirrels throwing themselves against the electric fence.
• Studies have established an association between intelligence and depression. Now stop asking me why I am depressed all the time.

• "Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess." -Oscar Wilde
• You know that sad couple in the restaurant not talking to each other? They're actually listening to your conversation and will be making fun of you later.

• "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." -Jerry Seinfeld

• The only way I will go the extra mile is if I took a wrong turn somewhere.
• "Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship." -George from Seinfeld

• Vodka does for me what spinach does for Popeye.
• There should be a limit on the number of frogs you have to kiss before you find your prince. Too many frogs are having fun!
• Whoever says paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time I hear someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.

• ... believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
• If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
• I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

• "I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to drop everything." - Jerry Seinfeld
• How come when you talk to God, it's called praying, but when God talks to you, it's called paranoid schizophrenia?!

• "If you can't say something bad about a relationship you shouldn't say anything at all." - George from Seinfeld
• Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

D'oh! Who is not familiar the power of humor as exuded by the man himself, i.e., Homer Simpson?! Some of the things he says are either downright rolling-on-the-floor-laughing funny, and some so did-he-just-really-say-that stupid. 

Either way, it takes a while before you realize what you just heard or read. In any case, both statements make for some cool Facebook statuses that will definitely have your audience laughing! Use some quotes by the famous Homer Simpson that are sure to be crowned some of the funniest status updates on Facebook and allow for some great laughs!

• And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course, and I forgot how to drive?

• Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it's all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.
• What is a wedding? Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as "The process of removing weeds from one's garden."

• Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
• That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

• Ooh! Sensory deprivation kicks ass!
• All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
• To be loved, you have to be nice to others EVERYDAY! To be hated, you don't have to do squat.

• Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
• It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

• I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
• Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

There's a list of some funny Facebook status updates that should last you a while. Humor is a very tricky thing; what you get, someone else may not. Try to be subtle yet humorous, and you will definitely have those likes and comments coming in all the time.